Fingerman reports many older adults are widowed, divorced, or single. The Administration on Aging (2009) reports that nearly 30.5% of all non-institutionalized older adults lived alone. They represented 39.5 of older women and 18.5% of older men. Statistics show that the proportion living alone (widowed, divorced, or single) increased with advanced age. Half of all women age 75 and over lived alone. What does this mean to the important parent-child relationship as the parent grows older? It can be a struggle, especially as your parent(s) need more of your help and find themselves a little lonely. How are you going to feel when your 70 year old widowed mother who is living alone is demanding your time away from your family and work obligations? What kind of relationship do you have with her now? Is it respectful? Do you still bring your problems to your parents to solve? Have your parents realized you are an adult and have a life separate from them? What can you do now to help develop a healthier intimate relationship in the future, when you will have more stresses on your relationship?
As you get older, you develop a separate life from your parents and establish thicker boundaries and in some relationships, you may still grow closer to your parent(s). This article discusses the paradox of distant intimacy between aging parents and their adult children. (Fingerman 2001). During early and middle adulthood, Fingerman states your relationship with your parent(s) tend to improve. Having experienced this myself, you realize your parents are human and have personality flaws and issues like everyone else, yourself included. They may realize that you have to lead your own life, so they may not be as willing to jump in to give you direction or help when you face challenges in your life. At the same time, you may be more willing to protect them from worrying about you, so you are careful about what you share with them. I found it interesting that Fingerman did not discuss that parents are also very careful about what they share with their children, as not to cause them concern. I see this with my parents, in-laws and clients all the time.
Not all parents and their children develop an intimate relationship where there is respect, a sense of caring and the relationship is beneficial to everyone. Fingerman states that there are two characteristics that define intimacy between aging parents and their adult children. The first is a recognition of the other person as an individual with strengths and weaknesses and second is a deep concern for the other person's well-being (Fingerman 2001).
At this point in the article, Fingerman lost me. She explained the two characteristics above and then jumps right into discussing self-disclosure, self validation, etc. I'm assuming these are other aspects of intimacy or in order to meet the characteristics above you must have self-disclosure, self validation, etc?
Anyway, Fingerman states that self-disclosure is often viewed as a means of enhancing intimacy. This self-disclosure has to be respectful. Parents recognize that their children care and are concerned for them and their children recognize that their parents deserve to be worry free. Wow, this is a concept I don't see too often played out in the families I work with. In too many cases, the children bring all of their problems to their parents who in most cases, can't do a thing to help. So many of my clients survive on very meager Social Security income and their children still bring financial issues to them. This just causes great grief and anxiety for the clients I work with. Fingerman states that in more intimate conversations, the topic is kept light, such as about their daily lives, but are careful about what is disclosed out of respect.
Another key aspect Fingerman discusses is self-validation. I think Fingerman is saying the relationship between the parent and child develops over a lifetime and eventually when the child is normally in their thirties both the parent and child have an increasing sense that each possesses a separate identity. Children see their parents as human with all their faults and parents realize their children are adults.
Another area of intimacy is "mutuality" between the parent and the child. In later life, the parent and the child experiences a sense of intimacy from helping each other. Helping the other person is more important then them helping you and you feel they deserve the help. This is increasingly important since your parents may have been able to help you more when they were healthy, but as their health declines you may be giving them more help then they can exchange. Interestingly, hands-on care does not appear to increase intimacy.
Of course, there are so many things that can happen along a family's life course to halt the development of the healthy intimacy that Fingerman discusses in this paper. Parents often have a more favorable view of their parent/child relationship than their children. So many of us don't realize it's normal to start seeing your parents and all of their faults and that it's healthy to develop a friendship with your child as they become adults.
Administration on Aging 2009. A profile of Older Americans: 2009 Facts about Older Americans
Retrieved from:
http://www.aoa.gov/AoAroot/Aging_Statistics/Profile/2009/docs/2009profile_508.pdf
Fingerman, K. (2001). Distant closeness: intimacy between parents and their children in later life. Generations, 25(2), 26-33.
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