What about men?

Have we focused too much on women in this class? I know at times, I felt like I have been a little harsh on men,  especially when I discussed sibling gender differences in regards to caregiving. We have also discussed and read many studies that point out how women tend to be the kin keepers who maintain relationships with family and friends. I have often thought about some of the widowers I have worked with and widowers who are friends. Many of them have gotten themselves into a lot of trouble after becoming a widower: financially, with risky sexual behavior, becoming victims of elder abuse, and by abusing alcohol and other drugs. Here are a few of their stories:

• One client, I'll call Joe, was homeless when I started working with him. Joe described how after his wife passed he became very depressed and went on an ongoing drinking binge and eventually became homeless. Joe was around 85 when I started working with him. Joe walked into our office and asked for help. Fortunately, we had a collaborative relationship and funding with Interfaith Hospitality Network, so I found him short-term shelter until I was able to get him into senior housing. I remember asking him if he wanted to see the apartment and he said, "Mam, any place would be better than under the bushes." Although, he still goes on drinking binges at times and can get himself into a bit of trouble with his buddies still on the streets, he has maintained his senior housing for over three years. I could never talk him into getting help for his alcoholism. 

•  I visited another gentleman after receiving an anonymous call that an elderly man was sick and in his house with no help.  I did a home visit and found an elderly man, I'll call Ben in his early 60s sitting in his recliner all covered up with blankets. His legs were badly swollen with sores and there was a terrible odor from his infected leg and just filth. Ben had some "friends" who helped him at times or until his check ran out. He was being evicted from his home from non-payment of his taxes. After I worked with him for some time, he also described losing everything after his spouse died became he became so depressed. This made him very lonely and unfortunately an easy target for financial exploitation. 

• Another older gentleman who is a friend of my family described going on a spending spree by remodeling his house after his spouse died. He has also been financially exploited by several people (lady friends) due to being so lonely after his wife passed. He also describes being very depressed and even though it has has been almost twenty years since she passed, he still suffers from depression especially around the time of the year she died.

• A younger friend of the family ( a "young" baby boomer) also went on a spending spree remodeling his house after his spouse died. He also went on a "partying" binge and has gotten himself into many relationships trying to cope with loneliness. 

• As you can see from my stories above, being alone and not having a good support system is one of biggest risk factors for older adults to get themselves into abusive situations.

So what can men do when they are widowed to cope with loneliness rather than drinking or getting themselves involved with women who may have questionable motives? Men don't have a "purple hat society" they can join for socialization and support. There are plenty of other men's clubs,  Masons, VFW, American Legion, Elks, Kiwanis, and Jaycees. However, I don't think many men would get involved in these clubs in-later life. Do they? Some of the more successful widowers I have seen get themselves involved with their community, delivering meals on wheels or playing pool with other widowers at their local senior center. (If a senior center wants to draw more men--- I always recommend they get a pool table). One of my male clients goes to the local senior center three times a week and his sons also keep him active. However, at my last home visit he did have a nice collection of liquor bottles in kitchen, so I wonder if he doesn't "tie one on" when he isn't "busy" and feeling a little down.

Why do so many men not maintain ties with family and friends? Just today, I told my husband that I was going to get together with friends in Kentucky for lunch and shopping later this month. He made the comment how he wishes he had more friends and blamed not living in the area where he grew up. He always complains how he felt he was always the one making the effort to keep in touch with old friends and so just stopped. I said if we lived back in PA, he would probably see them less than we do now (3-4x a year) due to everyone being so busy. Men, can you think of ways you can help yourself in the future and ensure you will not be lonely as you get older and may find yourself a widower? Women, what can you do to help your spouses facilitate relationships with those in your community so if something happens to you your spouse will have support, socialization and friendship if you are no longer around?