Daughters-in-law and Mothers-in-Law Seeking Their Place Within the Family: A Qualitative Study of Differing Viewpoints

After reading this article, I wonder how much more pressure society can place on women? The author's state that women are the kinkeepers between generations. As a kinkeeper we are suppose to create bonds and maintain traditions for both our family of origin and our family of procreation. Is that all? Oh, my gosh what role do the men in the family have with fulfilling this role? It would be very difficult to fulfill this societal expectation if you do have conflict wit your in-laws.

I have to say, I'm fortunate. I have an awesome mother-in-law. We have a lot of the same interests, which has helped. I also think it helps that she lives seven hours away and she did not have a very nice mother-in-law, so I'm sure to an extent she is mindful of her actions towards me. However, she is also a very kind, capable, independent and fun person whom I have a lot of respect for. At Thanksgiving a few years ago,  my mom, aunt, and a friend of the family were talking about some of their worst experiences with their mother-in-laws.  I could tell there was still a lot of pain even though it had been decades since these incidents occurred. It was interesting to see how the three of them bonded over this common experience and I'm glad I didn't have anything to contribute to the conversation.

The sample was small in this study. They interviewed 23 daughters-in-laws and 19 mothers-in-laws using   focus groups or one-on-one interviews. Not surprising to me, all of them entered this new role thinking it would be a positive experience. However,  there was some trepidation the mothers-in-laws and daughters-in-laws expressed that they didn't completely trust the relationship. Why? I'm assuming that means they felt one event or one misinterpreted action by either of them could create conflict.

This article discusses how vulnerable a mother-in-law may feel when her son gets married, especially if she doesn't have a good relationship with her daughter-in-law. She may fear losing her son and at the same time fear that she may not be able to see her grandchildren as often as she wants. Do you think "children marry" could be a stage to add to the the family life cycle?  I think this is a significant enough transition that affects both the children and parents.

The researchers discuss previous research that showed how a woman may become closer to her own family of origin, especially once she has had a child. This could leave her husband's family feeling left out. I hope I'm not in this situation one day since I have a son. A friend of mine, who has a boy and a girl, recommended that my spouse and I try for a another child, with the hopes of having a girl, so that we will have someone to take care of us when we get older. She said, "Boy's leave home and don't look back." I told my friend, there is never a guarantee that your children will take care of you as you get older even if you have a girl. I see that every day in my work with older adults.

What about the daughter-in-law who is adjusting to being a wife, part of a new family, developing her independence from her family of origin and maybe becoming a mother, too? She has a lot of fear of not being accepted by her new family and as the study participants discussed , they were just as sensitive and insecure as their mothers-in-laws. I think that society puts so much pressure on both women to get along for the best of the family. It's an unfair situation for both woman to be in. As the study says both women are extremely vulnerable, especially if a conflict does arise.



Families are complicated and as this study shows the relationship between a daughter-in-law and mother-in-law is one of the more complicated family roles and greatly affects the rest of the family. Doesn't all conflict appear to go back to having open communication and having some empathy for the other person's situation?  The painful events the study participants discussed are probably the same types of experiences my loved ones talked about on Thanksgiving. It is so sad and hurtful when you don't feel accepted and loved. Unfortunately, in a lot of situations the other person is probably oblivious to how they may have hurt you and did not do it intentionally. If women are the kin keepers between generations having a negative in-law relationship can affect a family for generations.

 
Turner, M., Young, C., & Black, K. (2006). Daughters-in-law and mothers-in-law seeking their place within the family: a qualitative study of differing viewpoints. Family Relations, 55(5), 588-600.